"Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
“I haven't spoken to my wife all week because I did not want to interrupt her from speaking.”
"You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
● A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver said to her, Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
● "Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst. Is a warm hug too much to ask?"
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